The Web of Evil

I wonder if I would be more readily fooled by click-me spam banners pretending to be Facebook message windows if they didn't consistently misinterpret my London address.

What, now? Um, okay, I guess... I mean, it's 1.30am and there's no direct train, but if I get a cab to Marylebone there might be an overnight service to Wolverhampton. I can't imagine the local services will still be running at that time so I guess it'll be a long-distance cab from there. I should make it to Telford by maybe 5am, more likely 6am, so I don't know if you want to get an early coffee and maybe go halves on the cab fare? Let me know!

You may be aware of the phenomenon whereby you receive unsolicited email messages appearing to contain offers for goods and services at amazing prices—with subject lines such as, for example, “Exquisite Replica”—but which might in fact not be quite what they appear. Some, if you can credit it, are even designed with malicious intent and are intended merely to trap the unwary into responding electronically, an act that could in turn initiate one of a number of elaborate online scams.

If you get the feeling that I am describing something that is quite well known, perhaps even obvious, then good for you, you’re probably one of those irredeemably cynical media-savvy kids that marketers fall over themselves to attract. But spare a thought for those who are less calculating—less jaded, goddammit—and thus less likely to spurn the blandishments of a complete stranger:

Exquisite Replica: Never sent my products Internet

I ordered $500.00 in watches from this company Credit card billed right away (with an additional $13.00 admin charge). Waited 3 weeks and never got them. When I phoned they were rude, and said they were out of stock of the product. Re-ordered the product (switched the one watch that was out of stock). Waited another 3 weeks and nothing.

They now are claiming that I got the watches, but will not give me any mailing info. Told me if I did not like it I could "hire a lawyer".

Might just do that, but expensive, because I am in Canada and of limited means.

End-story... avoid these people at all cost.

Windsorguy
Windsor, Ontario
Canada

Frankly, I’m disappointed. This 419 spam from “Ferdous Siddiq” isn’t even trying. Where’s the back story? Where’s all the stuff about civil wars and needing to smuggle money out of the country? Where is there any indication why he selected me for this honour? What are the odds of anyone falling for this? (Answer: depressingly, still comparatively high.)

I am the Director in charge of Auditing section Bank in the Group Bank of African, I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of $17.3 million immediately to your account.

I will send you full details on how the business will be executed and also note that you will have some percentage of the above mentioned amount if you agree to help me execute this business,

Now permit me to ask some few questions.

1. Can you honestly help me as your partner?
2. Can i completely trust you?
3. What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you after the money is transfer to your country?
4. Can you help me to come over to your country and further my educational carrier?
5. Can you assure me of the confidentiality of this transaction, So that when coming in to your country there would not be focus of attention.

Waiting for your urgent reply and God bless you
Thanks.
Mr, Ferdous

I give this lacklustre example 2 out of 10, especially when far more vigorous efforts are being made to grab my attention and entice me to download trojans and God knows what else. Such as:













The message attached to this last was: “Could you use an extra $15OO to $35OO rlght now? Many see theres ln the flrst 48hrs but you must call my message llne to hear my brelf message on how thls ls posslble and how you can do lt to”. The only celebrity berries I can think of are a couple of members of the Munch Bunch, the Ribena berries and, if you stretch a point, maybe the California raisins. I’ll leave it to you to decide which one this came from.




That’s a harsh claim. What if we worked at it?




Is that really true about “the most important thing”? Are some people’s priorities truly that skewed? Still, it’s nice to know that these dealers guarantee that your watch will stay with you whatever the time is, which must be a blessed relief if you’ve been unlucky enough to own fickle timepieces in the past. In fact there seems generally to be some confusion over what watches can be usefully compared to:



Or even exactly how to use them:



And who could fail to be charmed by this opening gambit from “the lonely woman Marina”, apparently a Russian lady who hope she can become for me friend:

Hello not the man familiar to me!

To: webofevil

Hi! I found you on the Internet and I would be very happy if we know each other better, as you see it? I write to you and hope that you will turn its attention to me, I am very good girl and very care tenderly, I hope that I ponravlyus you. I just think that we can move on to “you”? I will await your response.

It’s kind of disappointing that I already know “ponravlyus” means “please” in Russian. It denies me seconds of amused speculation.

It’s time once again for me to delve into my mailbag and answer some of the huge pile of correspondence I’ve ( received recently ).

Dear Diary,

Today I received a letter from a stranger! I felt as though the sender’s unfamiliar name were challenging me as I gazed upon it; “Open me,” it seemed to say, “and feel the thrill of the unknown.” I did not do so at once, however; instead, I went for a short constitutional, deliberately postponing the moment. I felt my cheeks burn as I thought of nothing but the uninvited communication awaiting my return. At last I could fight the urge no longer, and ran the last few yards back to the house. With trembling fingers I set to opening my mail. What illicit treasure, what undreamed prizes, lay within? What wonderful adventures might be set in train by its contents? My heart aflame, I began to read:

From: Silas Hendrix

Penis Enlarge Patch will give you a shocking magnitude.

Penis Enlarge Patch will make you dick so large you will be able to park a car on it.

---

While we’re at it, “Gerald Q. Thomas” has written in to let me know that:

Great sex? It is probable!

Why does my junk mail folder suddenly read like an album chart? Is it a message from the future? Is this what the kids will be listening to in 10 years’ time?

1.  Maynard Hicks	Time To Make A Change
2.  Mary Convenient	My There
3.  Tonda Ward	Free Your Mind
4.  Holly Decay	It Soul
5.  Wilburn Chapman	How Do You Feel
6.  Incidence Booth	Go Maritime
7.  Conrad Winkler	There Is No Need To Parade Your Problems
8.  Preston Merritt	Right Timing, Right Choice
9.  Marianne Gonzalez	History Shows...
10. Clarence Cole	Our Service At Your Disposal
11. Jesse Tatum	YouGottaSeeThis
12. Ricky Clinton	Wrealistic
13. Adriana	It’s Adriana
14. Noemi Hammond	Relax And Take The Time
15. Juanita Schroeder	Join The Millions
16. Freddy Enterprise	Of Velocity
17. Clara Doss	You Will Love This
18. Plasma Kiser	G Section
19. Matthew Sanchez	Transnational Dispensary
20. Travis	Do U Remember

The latest development in spam, after the brief flush a short while back of subject lines like “I am really upset about last Wednesday” and “Sorry about Tuesday, I will make it up to you”, appears to be that whoever is currently generating spam is running a little low on inspiration. A far cry from the luxurious nonsense of, say, “Odometer R. Anglicanism”, senders’ names at the moment are commonly lone bleak words or phrases like “information”, “clearance”, “already present” or, aptly, “confusion”, while the subject headers are random snippets like “their operation has remained” or “take signal”. It’s like avant-garde SMS theatre.

Any signs of malaise in the names are, however, dispelled by the occasional peek at the spam itself. (I’m on a Mac, so I can pretty much do so with impunity. Don’t try this at home, PC kids.) I’m still delighted at being told by “Emery”, who sails under the flag “You cumm right after penetration” and opens with “Yo! Eliminate this problem and all the anxiety it causes! Become a better male!”, that once I’ve ingested his non-specific miracle cure, “she” will go crazy for me and “You won't forget your eyes after you finally gave her the long-lasting love”. This even beats “Efren” and his insistence that my girl will be impressed with “prolonged hardness and plentiful explosions”.

Mentioned in dispatches: Ed-Drugs. I’m getting to know their mails by the subject lines alone. Like almost all spam, they pretend to be from a real person (even with the random-character ones like “–©@¬Ž}Ž” you can pretend you’re getting mail from, say, Ptolemy II) and don't mention what they’re trying to peddle until your curiosity has been piqued enough to open the message. However, I now know at a glance that the distinctive found poetry of “He allow at articulate musquash chummy”, “By complain the prime swipe choosey”, “It understand my cease dixieland jilt” or “I sing at puffed dominican” means that once again someone at Ed-Drugs is having a go at convincing me I need Viagra. (My favourite of theirs: “Be work go wholesale mortality”, which deserves to be stolen for an album title.)

More than one spammer has invited me to “Have sex with locals”, which is altogether too isolated-villagey for me. Oh, and “Dolly Torres” tells me to “Get a better job!”, which is rich coming from someone paid to generate 80,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 worthless emails a day that people only read occasionally, as here, to take the piss.

Is someone teaching a degree course in these things yet? “The sublimation of metatextuality in the ubiquity of spam”; “If Shakespeare were alive today he'd be peddling Cialis”, etc? If not, I'll happily teach one on this journal. cant afford 4 yrs in school? the web of evil will GUARANTE you a diploma you can hang on yr wall. impress her with yr new quafilicatiofn! she will neevr look the same way again on yr eye!

---

According to this page, which asks “Qu’est-ce que le Spam?”, French-speaking purists insist on translating “spam” as “multipostages excessifs”. The site points out that this is “pas très heureux”.

Look, I know spam is old news, but sometimes it still cries out to be shared. After all, why would I have any reason to doubt Mr Otten's credentials?

Dea b r Home Ow r ne f r ,

Your c v red s it doesn't matter to us ! If you OW p N real e b st t at l e
and want I d MMED i IA f TE c x ash to sp g en t d ANY way you like, or simply wish
to LO d WER your monthly p z aym h ents by a third or more, here are the deal y s
we have T n ODA x Y :

$ 48 l 8 , 000 at a 3 , e 67% fi c xed - ra w te
$ 3 g 72 , 000 at a 3 l , 90% v s aria e ble - rat u e
$ 49 z 2 , 000 at a 3 , v 21% int p ere l st - only
$ 2 r 48 , 000 at a 3 p , 36% fi v xed - rat m e
$ 19 i 8 , 000 at a 3 , 5 j 5% vari j able - ra k te

Hurr m y, when these d x eaIs are gone, they are gone !

Don't worry about ap h prova b l, your cr f edi c t will not dis w qual r ify you !

Vi f si a t our x site <http://www.h54f.net>

Sincerely, Vytautas Otten

Ap l prova e l Manager

Hey, so long as my cr f edi c t will not dis w qual r ify me, I'm in!