Spam roundup

[webofevil]

The majority of the spam I receive is uncommonly interested in my privates and what I do with them. This is why it’s called “junk” mail.^[1] I’m entranced by the endlessly diverse linguistic ways these mails try to express the, let’s face it, quite simple concept they want to communicate.

^[1] I am here all week.

Here are some typical recent subject lines:

Get a rod of colossal measurements!
Give your lady godly action in bed with your new pecker
Experience your manliness going great guns!
Unleash the awesome anaconda from your pants right now
Get armed for a new love battle
Gain more and more self-reliance as your dimension grows!
Your gun will become huge and will fire rockets
Turn your woman to a volcano or response, desire, and endless climaxes
Completely obliterate the competition with the largest size organ
Huge love weapon is never too much
You need to improve your little friend
Improve the dimension of your love luger today
Enhance your prowess with our magic bolt stuff
Start commuting your small soldier into a huge general!
No more being embarassed of your tiny brother with this breakthrough
Halle Berry won't think you are the last boy scout once she sees your anatomy

While I hesitate to accuse anyone, particularly someone I don’t know, of being in any way misleading, I think in this case I can be reasonably confident in going right ahead and saying: some of those claims might be misleading. Also, this one:
And although it manages to eschew any reference to munitions, this one might just be the most misleading of them all:

This change in your life will drive your lassie back to you!

Sometimes the authors of these messages, despite the fact that they clearly love to work with language, don’t necessarily get across exactly what they mean:

Your lady will wet herself upon seeing your huge new member

Hopefully we invented poison to enlarge your stalk

Sounding as if it is being said wearily to Nicky Campbell on “Watchdog”:

Look, our pills has NO side effects

In a field known for hyperbole, a refreshing claim to nothing more than adequacy:

Sufficient length is what we offer

And this:

Sometimes the choices the spammers have made in trying to persuade us to click through are just baffling.

Subject: Schizzle my nizzle now
Message: She eyed on my dong in my pants and i invited her over.

And then? Then what? Don’t just leave us hanging! Was there schizzling? Dammit, I need nizzle closure.


Why, who’s this emailing me out of the blue?


Well, isn’t that nice; Viktoria is nice girl that would like to chat with me. And she has enclosed a nice photograph so that I know exactly who I’m conversing with. It’ll be just like a real blind date, only with someone who at the first twinge of boredom mails her picture to thousands of people she has never met. And it’s bound to be safe to reply—after all, there’s nothing about her picture to suggest that there might be any bugs in it or anything.


This next spam is not actually genital-related but certainly deserves an accolade for the most arresting subject line to arrive in my inbox:

Subject: Talks break down, world war unavoidable
(The message was “Lindsay Lohan crashes brand new Lamborghini”.)

And while we’re taking a break from penises, you heard it here first (and probably last):

Some of the “manliness” emails have a grudging feel that it’s hard not to resent. “Against all odds”? “Improbable”? Well, fuck you too!







I’m not quite sure what they’re offering here. Can’t afford Rohypnol? Try hypnotism!





In a field already chock full of WTF, it turns out that these people have been quietly refining a whole new WTF strain:


The language in the rest of the email suggests strongly that the writer is deliriously foreign and inept rather than an actual paedophile. Indeed, he or she might be horrified if what they had written was accurately translated for them. “I meant ‘baby’!” they might cry. “Make your baby groan! I’m not a monster!” Or they really might not give a stuff.


There’s a particular demographic being singled out here for penis enlargement. That demographic might just resent the implications.




Still, if I were presenting a spam Baftas, the overall award, the highest accolade for the most potent combination of filth and weirdness, would have to go to “Zuhdija” for this:

Subject: Silence of the loins
Message: Jerk your cum crayon and color me white

Comments

[offensive-mango.livejournal.com]

Oh wow--that "cum crayon" one is a masterpiece!

[internetsdairy.livejournal.com]

Someone needs to make these into 70s-style local cinema adverts. "Turn your woman to a volcano or response, desire, and endless climaxes - just 200 yards from this theatre!"