(no subject)

[webofevil]

Dear Diary,

Today I received a letter from a stranger! I felt as though the sender’s unfamiliar name were challenging me as I gazed upon it; “Open me,” it seemed to say, “and feel the thrill of the unknown.” I did not do so at once, however; instead, I went for a short constitutional, deliberately postponing the moment. I felt my cheeks burn as I thought of nothing but the uninvited communication awaiting my return. At last I could fight the urge no longer, and ran the last few yards back to the house. With trembling fingers I set to opening my mail. What illicit treasure, what undreamed prizes, lay within? What wonderful adventures might be set in train by its contents? My heart aflame, I began to read:

From: Silas Hendrix

Penis Enlarge Patch will give you a shocking magnitude.

Penis Enlarge Patch will make you dick so large you will be able to park a car on it.

---

While we’re at it, “Gerald Q. Thomas” has written in to let me know that:

Great sex? It is probable!

Comments

[burkesworks.livejournal.com]

“Gerald Q. Thomas” has written in to let me know that:

Great sex? It is probable!

I expect you'll soon be getting spams from Peter X. Rogers and Talbot Z. Rothwell. Fnarr fnarr.

[chiller.livejournal.com]

Ah, at last I know how it would have been, had H. Rider Haggard received spam.

[internetsdairy.livejournal.com]

The ASA needs more teeth.

[uniquefergus.livejournal.com]

Parking a car on your own penis would be quite an achievement. Your 'johnson' would need to be around nine feet long, I reckon, and the procedure would almost certainly require an assistant. Medically unwise, perhaps. Better to join a circus.

[webofevil.livejournal.com]

This certainly raises health and safety issues, my Lords, along with certain administrative questions. Would you need a permit? If so, could the zoning area on one’s penis have to be negotiated with a local authority, or would it have to be designated by the Secretary of State? Will the penis be sufficiently flexible and robust? I will be happy for the Minister to write to me.

[uniquefergus.livejournal.com]

Having studied the application lodged by the aforementioned Mr. Hendrix, my department are satisfied that if the the applicant wishes only to park his own vehicle upon his own penis within the confines of his own property, then no further intervention is required.

If, however, the procedure is intended to take place within view of the public, or as part of a performance, then Mr. Hendrix will require permission from the police, the public licencing committee of his local authority and will be required to display a certificate of insurance stating that he takes personal responsibility for any physical harm that may occur upon his penis, or any other penises that may be similarly exposed to potential vehicular damage.

He may also be best advised to check his own vehicle insurance to ensure that potential damage from the claimant's own penis becoming suddenly erect is not specifically excluded from the terms.

I hope this answers your question.

[webofevil.livejournal.com]

The Minister is very kind. How many members of the public would have to be present for Mr Hendrix's car parking to be categorised as a public performance, and would occupants of the car be included as members of the public for the purposes of the regulation? Furthermore, would the use of Mr Hendrix's penis as a parking space impact on his council tax?

[uniquefergus.livejournal.com]

The report by Lord Holmes (1988) into the use of genitalia in public performance is most instructive in this matter. That report recommends that the performance would be considered public if more than one person was in attendance (and being charged a fee to attend) or if more than six were gathered, and no fee was being levied. Those six would include passengers in the vehicle, unless a) they were employees of Mr. Hendrix or b) were intending to subsequently or simultaneously park the vehicle on their own penises.

On your second point, there would be no impact on council tax charges providing a) the parking of the car was a one-off performance and b) Mr. Hendrix or his employees made no financial gain from charging others to park upon their penises.

However, if the parking space (and penis) were to be used to store motor vehicles, there would indeed be a requirement under EU law for Mr. Hendrix to declare the space as a capital asset, and be charged accordingly.

I hope this answers your questions.

[webofevil.livejournal.com]

I will read the Minister's response carefully. Can he confirm that Mr Hendrix's penis will be exempt from the smoking ban?

[uniquefergus.livejournal.com]

If Mr. Hendrix can persuade anyone to smoke that particular 'cigar' then I will be greatly surprised.

[alfaguru.livejournal.com]

One "maicon niewedde" threatens to send me a "List of all BrainFuck operators".

Armed with this info, maybe I can shift those boxes of BrainFuck spare parts (ball races, nuts and self-tapping screws, mostly) cluttering up the garage.