Mondo Spam

[webofevil]

Dear Brother/Sister,

As you read this mail I don’t want you to feel sorry for me because I desearve to die to pay for my wickedness and evil doings and I believe that all of us must die.

My name is “Saeed Ahmed” I am a very rich and wealthy oil business man from the United Arab Emirates, UAE and right now as I write you, I have been diagnosed with esophageal cancer which the doctors say I will die very soon because the illness has eaten deep into my body system which the doctors say I have very few months to live and this cancer has refused all forms of medical treatment from top doctors and medical experts.

AUDIENCE: [Shocked silence]

I think God is punishing me because I was very wicked and arrogant. I did all sorts of bad things because I was very rich successful business man who didn’t care about other people particularly my family members. I was carrying lots of women, committing adultery, funications, drinking. I am regretting right now becase of the great pains which I am presently going through and this have made me to repent and turn arround from my evil doings so I decided to give out my properties, assets and cash money to my immediate and extended family members and also some close friends which did not satisfy them.

AUDIENCE: Ahhhh.

I want God to have mercy on me and accept my soul if I finally die so I have decided to give some money to charity organisations in UAE through my famil members but they have refused to give the money to the charity organisations and poor people by taking everything.

AUDIENCE: Gasp!

I also asked my family members to close one of my accounts and distribute the money to charity organisations in Pakistan, and the tsunami affected countrys but they kept the money to themselves so at this moment I do not trust them anymore.

AUDIENCE: Gasp, again!

The last of my money which no one knows about except you that I am seeking your help and me is a cash deposit of $28.6m dollars (“twenty eight million, six hundred thousand US dollars) which deposited in a finance/security company in London UK.

AUDIENCE: … Hang on.

This £28.6m dollars is parked in a most coded way in 2 big boxes and was shipped to the securuty company for sa!fe keeping and as I talk to you, the security company does not know that the 2 boxes contain cash money.

You know what’s coming. Lighters aloft and sing along.

I want you to help me collect this 2 boxes… I want you to take 10% of the £28.6m dollars for your time and help…

This isn’t even a variant on the Nigerian scams—a quick check reveals that the email, though routed via the States, actually originated in Lagos.

So far so blah, but a friend of mine was bored enough to reply to this and ask for a donation to their local scout hut, and the response was swift:

Dear Brother

You must do what I asked you to do by making sure that after you claim this boxes of my $28.6m dollars, distribute it to motherless babies, orphange homes, charity orgnaisations and also to the poor and it will be the last good thing that I have done before I die because the doctors have said I cannot make it… [Then loads of stuff about how to pick up these boxes from the courier company—which, naturally, will end up costing you money]

I would also like you to travel to London to see things for yourself and carry the boxes home if you can as this will convince you but if you cannot travel to London, you can ask the security company to ship the boxes to your door step at your house. All you have to do is to pay for the shippment after you have paid for the demorrges incued for safe keeping of the boxes by the security company but seeing is believing so try and travel to the London.

I do not have a phone now because I am in the hospital and I can only mail you and receive which is the only means of communication. The doctors have warned me agaist the use of computer and beeing on the internet because they say it seriously affect my health and the life sustaining machines.

Finally, I would also like you to build ! a mosque and a church in any part of the world for worship and name them after me. Pls tell me where you come from, how old are you, and what kind of work do you do when next you reply me.

I egarely await your response. My regards to your family

Best regards,

Saeed Ahmed

This time, as if his heart-rending story weren’t enough to give your heartstrings a good yank—nor the fact that you were dumb enough to reply in the first place—Saeed’s sent some pictures!









(This last, for the really slow-witted, was entitled PICOFTHEBOXESOFMY$28.6MDOLLARS.jpg)

Except… since the emails are obviously being sent by armed thugs from Nigeria—who the hell is that poor sickly shlub in the photos? And are he or his family aware that they’re being used for this tawdry shite?


... Or is there a connection closer to home?

Comments

[chiller.livejournal.com]

OMG, funications give you cancer?

[webofevil.livejournal.com]

Who knew? Plus there's hell to pay for carrying women.

[chiller.livejournal.com]

I knew carrying women could give you a bad back, but not oesophageal cancer!

I tried looking up funication on Wiki. There isn't anything there. It sounds like fun, I want to try it.