Postbag

[webofevil]

It’s time once again for me to delve into my mailbag and answer some of the huge pile of correspondence I’ve received recently. First up is Lepinsy Ispanky, who has entitled her or possibly his communication “girdiweg”, which might be... Welsh, is it?

Hello Baby webofevil
you'll really fit into a condom once you have enlarged your dick

Hmm. I saw a friend of mine inflate a condom over his head once, but even he didn’t try to fit completely inside it. So thanks for the tip, Lepinsy, but I think I’ll steer clear of any such party tricks. And I appreciate your concern for my penis, but I don’t think it’s required.

Next up is Rodrigo Myoungjoo, whose missive is headed “namruem”:

Haven’t seen you for ages webofevil
anniversary coming up? make it special with an enlarged dick

I don’t recall the name, Rodrigo, but if we have met then you’ll know I’m single, so which anniversary are you referring to? Is it something at work? Would the House of Lords really benefit from my enlarging my penis? Again, though, I appreciate your concern about it, but I really don’t think there’s any problem there.

“Dedicate to your lover” is the charming title of Baisley Maricela’s communication, which reads:

The male protection organization of the world recommends to you:
You give us a chance, we return a miracle to you!
We advise you to use: 6 BOTTLES OF XTRASIZE+ + 3 FREE BOTTLES
You’re worthy of success. To wish you every happiness through the year ahead and bright prospects.

Well, isn’t that a lovely sentiment. And I honestly didn’t realise that there even was a “male protection organisation of the world”. How nice that complete strangers are prepared to take such an interest in the wellbeing of others. Wait, though. Six bottles of “extrasize”... Is this about my penis again? It is, isn’t it? Look, there’s really no need.

So, what’s the next topic? Lennart Osberg writes:

hello dad webofevil
ever had a fantasy about having a big cock? make it real

Look here, young lady, if I had a daughter I’d know about it, and she’d have been brought up better than to ask me questions like that. Now go to your room.

What else is on people’s minds at the moment? Anyone? Jegal Baatz, how about you?

sup webofevil
never have bad sex again when your cock is enlarged by 3 inches

Enough about my penis! I really don’t understand why everyone keeps bringing it up. Lincoln Gerk, are you going to talk about something else?

Greets webofevil
be a big success in the pants when you enlarge your dick

No. My cock again. I see. And you, convincingly-named asdfasdf Klytseroff?

hello friends webofevil
even your best friends girl will want to fvck you when its got 3 more inches

How will she know? I notice you’re not suggesting how exactly I bring this up with my best friend’s girl in the first place.

Watcha! webofevil
instead of trying to make her cum, do it with penis pills

“Instead”? Why can’t I keep trying? Are the pills for her, so she can cut out the middleman? I don’t quite understand, Guimond Eaves, except for the bleak fact that you also are taking far too much interest in my sex life.

Let’s hear, he said with a distinct sense of foreboding, from Sun Lawniczak:

hellow webofevil
forget the 1 liners that dont work, just show em your cock

So total strangers are writing to me not only to criticise my penis but also trying to get me arrested. I don’t trust any correspondents now. Bob Mungo has written in to tell me about “perfectly crafted exclusive watches rolex”, but after all this I wouldn’t be surprised if he just wants me to strap them around my sodding penis.