South London Press front page

"Elation amongst the particles"

A few years ago I worked for a firm of music lawyers. They had the odd big-name client and a fair few middling and up-and-coming, and of course the place was constantly swamped with demos. Some of the worst emanated from one man, whose name I have changed for his sake as much as mine. Nine-minute turgid ballads with just him and his acoustic guitar; no-one could have made it through one of his 70-minute extravaganzas with their wrists intact. The boss of the firm had initially encouraged him when he first got in touch, as she always did with prospective clients, but after brief exposure to his first CD her instructions were “If Blue calls, I’m not here”.

One day I fielded a call from him. The following is the note of the call I sent afterwards to the boss.

Blue is mad.

I spoke to him at 16.45. He talked for a while about all the CDs he has sent you and wondered if you had an opinion on them. Then he said that he has mastered one of the album tracks “for release on national radio tonight at 9pm”. I asked him which radio station. He replied: “All of them!”

He wanted to know how to handle “the consequences” of releasing this track. He wants to give away the royalties for the first five tracks on his album to charity. He said that he was “Walt Disney Music”. I asked him if that was his company name, sensing potential trouble if it was, and he replied “No! That's just WHO I AM. That's my CROWN. And NO-ONE can take that away.”

He went on to claim that he is “making something audible that no-one else on the planet can make”, and asked that we make sure this claim was printed in Melody Maker, NME and the rest of the music press.

He said that he had “a necessity to tide” (I had to ask him to repeat it) and that this would lead to “a wave of success”. He said that he had spoken to John at the Performing Rights Society, “and he agrees with me”, although he didn’t specify what it is John agrees with him about.

He asked that you be prepared to talk to him through the week, as he needs to discuss all aspects of production, royalties, licensing and distribution. He then demanded to know when you would ring him. When I said that I didn’t know exactly when you might ring, he hissed “My business depends on her call. If she doesn't call I’ve got no time for her”, and hung up.

She didn’t call him back. The following Friday afternoon he rang again, by which time he had made the jump to lightspeed. ( This call went on for much longer )