The Bottom Line

When I remember this (and it’s hard to forget), I rave about it to people who stare at me as if I’m mad. On the occasions I’ve been able to locate my photocopy, they’ve stared at it as if they’re mad. So far I’ve met one person who genuinely thought this was a good idea. Perhaps there are more of you out there. Let’s find out.

(I’m presuming, although I admit I’ve not yet confirmed, that this Alan Warner isn’t the same Alan Warner who wrote Morvern Callar. Amazon’s author page is, as is traditional, provides no help in differentiating.)

Jacket blurb first:

The Bottom Line - Practical Financial Management in Business
Alan Warner

In this remarkable book Alan Warner uses the power of romantic fiction to explain the key concepts of business finance. By creating a believable set of characters and a compelling story he has provided an easy and enjoyable way to help anyone understand balance sheets, budgeting, marginal costing, investment appraisal, profit maximization, performance measurement and other modern accounting techniques.

The story concerns Phil Moorley, Sales and Marketing Director of Lawrence & Sons, and his relationship with Christine Goodhart, the management accountant imposed on the company by its conglomerate owners. Moorley’s big professional weakness is his lack of financial knowledge, but with Chris’ help he begins to learn – and the reader learns with him. In the process his feelings for Chris grow stronger – but will she ever be willing to offer him more than friendship and tutorials? After a number of crises, Moorley begins to prepare himself for a more ambitious role. Then fate steps in, and both his business and personal life take a swift new turn.

Impatient to see this bold literary formula in action? Of course you are!

Her young attractive face makes me wistful. Should I forget my family, where I always seem to get it wrong, and gamble everything on this girl? No, the idea is ridiculous. She’s not going to give up her career and her place at Harvard for a mixed-up middle-aged bloke like me. But maybe if I make her Chief Accountant, we’ll work even closer together and eventually…

“Phil! Are you listening?” She’s by the flipchart and she’s written up underneath the boxes:

                                        

                          1987        1986
Profit:                  1,069         911
Sales:                  15,271      14,003
Capital employed:        6,390       6,083

“I’ve added back the overdraft of 376 and 641 to the total assets less current liabilities from the balance sheet. So we have net assets employed by management. OK?”

If you just have to know what happens next, the book is here. And there’s a sequel.

Whuh?

What just happened? While Blair suddenly gets hawkish on wasteful European finances (not, it has to be said, before time), America owns up to 60 years of propping up vicious dictatorships and promises to start actually supporting democracy, instead of simply mouthing empty phrases about it. It’s like some pink-lit soft-focus lefty fantasy.

Of course, what Condi’s admittedly startling words actually presage is currently anybody’s guess, and Tony isn’t “fighting for Britain” in Europe—or even fighting for Europe in Europe—so much as trying to prise open its markets for the transnationals, but, you know, rampant cynicism will only get you so far*. Maybe it’s time to cast off my suspicions about the motives of our political elites and embrace their visions. I, for one, welcome our new democratic overlords.


* The Foreign Office, usually.

"This thing goes right to the top"

Just found some notes I took earlier this year (as you may be able to tell from recent entries, I’m having a bit of a spring-clean).

In a Commons Standing Committee on 3 February, Christopher Chope (Con) battled valiantly to get a new clause inserted into the Road Safety Bill that would allow bicycles to carry only flashing headlights. At the time, if one or both of your lights weren’t, um, non-pulsating, you were breaking the law. This was quite a sensible amendment, but Chope managed instantly to make it look much less sensible:

Christopher Chope: There is a good deal of suspicion that the Department has suppressed information in this context [i.e. flashing lights on bicycles]. About five years ago, using taxpayers' money, the Department commissioned a report on this very subject from the institute of contemporary ergonomics at Loughborough university… That report has never been published or revealed to people like us, which makes us suspicious. Today is an opportunity for the Minister to say that he will publish the report.

What, truly, are the odds that the wonks at the Department of Transport turned to each other in horror and cried “This report is dynamite! We've got to bury it now!”? There aren’t exactly the beginnings of a Michael Crichton conspiracy thriller in there. It’s a sight more likely, as strictlytrue said at the time, that their reaction was more along the lines of: “Let’s never speak of this again…”.

Also, Chope used the phrase “the effluxion of time” in cold blood. He’ll be writing rock operas about hobbits next.