(no subject)

Offering employees the chance to sign away their basic employment rights in return for company shares is such a comical caricature of Tory thinking that at first sight it might have been concocted by the party’s fiercest opponents. While it’s true that it suits many right-wingers to characterise any notion of rights as a breezy fad, it’s still remarkable for any government to set out so baldly the contention that its citizens are as nakedly cynical and venal as it is. It’s also remarkable that the Conservatives, with all the accolades showered on them by their friends and beneficiaries for their strategists’ political nous, and so keen to broaden their appeal in order to win the next election, are nonetheless apparently oblivious to the stark message that they’re sending out:

“If we didn’t already have colossal amounts of money, we’d be easily bought off for a pittance too. Thank Christ we’re not you!”

This proposal—voluntary for people with jobs, compulsory for people who have lost their previous ones—is currently in draft form in the Growth and Infrastructure Bill, which introduces several measures similarly dressed up as “deficit-busting” and “business-liberating” but in fact designed mainly and straightforwardly to remove statutory protections for ordinary people. While it’s a foregone conclusion that the coalition will ignore any changes and/or improvements suggested by the Lords (see the welfare act, the break-up of the NHS etc etc, you know the drill by now), the bill still faces hefty criticism and many late nights of heated discussion, which may well be the reason for the hurried departure of the minister in the Lords originally tasked with it, the day before it was introduced.

If the Chancellor's scheme is deemed a success (in the face of the stiff opposition to it not just from unions and human rights organisations but also from employers), he is said to have drafted similar measures for other areas where the coalition feels that rights have held society back. Citizens will be offered the chance to give up all their human rights in exchange for a sliding scale of remuneration, paid in government shares. The Chancellor's preliminary draft is set out below:

Basic	£3,000	Freedom of speech
Standard	£10,000	Basic package + Reproductive rights
Enhanced	£25,000	Standard package + Right to freedom from torture (UK only)
Deluxe	£100,000	Liberation from all rights including freedom of thought, conscience and religion
Gold	£500,000	Deluxe package + The phrase “I DONATED MY RIGHTS TO THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY” carved on your forearm
Platinum	£1 million	Gold package + The Chancellor of the Exchequer will personally visit your house, suspend you by your ankles and slam your head against the floor until you cry out, “I am a despicable cunt”

Tobacco

In talking about the Growth and Infrastructure, Baroness Wheatcroft is sticking firmly to the ancient Lords convention that quotations, whenever possible, must be inexplicably misattributed:

Baroness Wheatcroft: I am reminded of that Tom Lehrer song when he bumps into Walter Raleigh, who is trying to explain to him about tobacco. “What?”, he says; “You do what?”. If someone goes home and announces that they have sold their rights for a few shares, that is the sort of response that they might get—“What?”.

In his day, Bob Newhart was a stand-up and sitcom star as big as Seinfeld in the 90s. This was one of his best known routines. Attributing it to Tom Lehrer is like talking about "Charles Dickens's beloved character, Sherlock Holmes":

As Lord Greaves said, "only in the House of Lords could someone quote Tom Lehrer and expect everyone present to understand the reference and remember the song."