Melville improved

Hotdog magazine used to run a splendid throwaway feature: short reviews of shitty B-movies by funny people. Since I lost the actual clipping long ago, I don't know if this was Viz's Chris Donald or Viz's Simon Donald, but either way it was a Viz's Donald.

Blood Surf - available to rent now

A television producer believes he can make a fortune by filming two of his surf buddies riding the waves with deadly sharks snapping at their ankles. But things start to go wrong when a giant crocodile eats their boat. They end up trapped on a remote Pacific island with only the giant crocodile and a gang of sex-starved pirates for company. Their only hope is that a hard-drinking, crocodile-hating sea captain—hell-bent on revenge after an earlier boat-eating incident—happens to be passing by. The old sea-dog still bears the scars from his previous encounter with the 40-foot monster (although one of them, on his neck, very nearly falls off in one scene). He's made it his life's mission to hunt down the beast and yet, when the opportunity finally presents itself, he's found to be somewhat lacking in crocodile-slaying ingenuity. The best he can manage is to kick it in the mouth and call it a “fucking bastard”, which doesn't work, and it promptly bites him in half.

Hotdog, January 2001