webofevil | Dec. 14th, 2009

Here are some Web of Evil (Definitely Not a Web of Evil) highlights from 2009. Of course if you’ve already seen them all then this is a colossal waste of your time. You’re welcome.

Worthing’s bat-faced church!

Breaking news!
Once, it was Sky that could be relied on to tell you that “Baroness Butler-Sloss is presumably in her 70s. Certainly of some age, anyway”; now, in its haste to be first to jump on an unidentified death, the BBC is reporting that “the Tour de France itself is bicycles”.

Some of the worst verse ever written!
Let me confirm your fears: this is the entirety of the Bible paraphrased in 1,001 tortuous limericks.

The future of social networ

Eerie views from my kitchen window!

Biting satire!
On discovering that they were not allowed to enter the grounds, several postal workers sustained serious injuries as they tried to jam themselves through the railings, while others lay around by the gates in the hope that someone would eventually carry them in.

Lord, of course, Selsdon!
“Let us not just train university students in boats on the Thames; let us put them together and send them out in gunboats.”

Fluorescent birthday presents!

Touching proposals!
“Before I move to the amendment, perhaps I should declare an interest as a cohabitee; a situation not entirely of my choosing, as I have asked the lady in my life to change that situation on several occasions…”

Terrible acronyms! (Also, gnomes)
Any mnemonic instruction beginning “Remember” is asking for trouble.

Crap art!

Worst defence of the year!
Florida man blames cat for downloading child pornography

The resolution of several national and international emergencies, apparently!
“Martin Burke has written to several members of the Commons and Lords individually and collectively in the past 3 years and now wishes to introduce himself and address the Commons as a whole.”

The Sun-Ice Man!
Silent Ones Building Works

Inexplicable sticker campaigns!

A new Speaker of the House of Commons!
An MP yelled at the tricorned Councillors, “Where’s your eyepatch?” To which the only suitable response is, “I left it on your mother’s bedside table.”

T-Money!

Inept police cover-ups!
Menezes showed that the Met, as well as covering their own tracks, will do everything to discredit you short of exhuming your body and filming it having sex with a child.

American salads!
“5 frozen Snickers bars (each 2.07 ounces)…”

Tabloid puns!

Brothers wandering into freezing lakes to catch fish at one in the morning!

Fun with Orthodox Judaism!
Generations of worshippers have, essentially, fetishised a union agreement.

Unfortunate coincidences!
Thai police told the BBC that Carradine was found by a hotel maid sitting in a wardrobe with a rope around his neck and genitals on Thursday morning. The star was in Thailand filming his latest film, “Stretch”.

This!

Extreme teaching!
When challenged by senior staff about his performance and the fact that he had missed agreed targets he dismissed their concerns, saying “anyone would think this was the worst thing since the Holocaust”, the hearing was told.

Just… Lib Dems!
I do not want to be too Pollyanna-ish
Santa’s little elves
Silver

Welcome!

King of the road!
I was advised that I needed to get my own account out there, one that steered my reputation firmly away from labels such as “authoritative-voiced maniac” or, simply, “cop-killer”.

Besmirched reputations!