From our news desk

PRETTY LADY COMES TO TOWN
Wears clothes, shoes


In other news: Nothing much




BREAKING NEWS: Pretty lady taller than husband

A massive milestone in human rights law

Enough, cynics! You’ve had your day. The Ministry of Defence has made a historic decision that edifies us all: it is due to admit that when British soldiers beat to death an innocent Iraqi hotel receptionist in 2003, although no soldiers were ever found guilty of his murder, the army breached his human rights.

We can only pray that the next step, as with the Metropolitan Police, is for a prosecution to be brought on the grounds of health and safety.