(S)

Veterans of Ceefax subtitles will know that using them can be a baffling experience. Current affairs programmes tend to be titled live by harassed stenographers, leading to countless lexicographical casualties: “The Prime Minister said that alkjf arbg zhnuf fekldp by the end of next week”, and similar alien transmissions. Occasionally it can be life-affirmingly daft, such as the other evening when Newsnight did a piece on the American private at the heart of the Abu Ghraib hi-jinks, the notorious “London Undergroundy England”.

So when Ceefax informed me a couple of months ago of ”rogue lemons in Sinn Fein”, I just thought it was more of the same. However, in the light of the fruit-based attack on the British Consulate ^[1], I’m no longer sure.

Incidentally, can it be credible that it’s just a coincidence missfrost posted about ”hot fruit salad” just two days before the attack? I suspect the NYPD won’t think so either.


^[1]New York's police commissioner has said that the fruit-alike “novelty grenades” used were of the type “that people might keep on their desks”.

Procedures

Although I now can’t find a reference to it, I’ll swear that, somewhere in the coverage of the fury over US soldiers’ apparent desecration of the Qur’an as part of their “enhanced interrogation” techniques at Guantanamo, I saw a quote from a senior soldier at Camp X-Ray saying that “We are investigating these claims, and if we find that they are true we will be changing our procedures”.

To anyone who isn’t a native English speaker, it may not be immediately clear that this phrase actually means “I’m not sorry and you can’t touch me; now piss off and leave me alone”, as used most often on consumerama perennial Watchdog by shady numpties who’ve been caught with their hands in the till (or things other than tills) (or things other than hands).

I’m not particularly having a punt at the American military here [listen closely and you’ll hear strictlytrue's eyebrow raise]; rather, I’m excited that this latest usage of this feisty little phrase will raise its profile even further. Here’s a typical example from the archives:

Police were critical last night after the Yorkshire Ripper frenziedly attacked and killed another prostitute. “It is regrettable that Mr Ripper has chosen to pursue this course,” said Chief Constable Ronald Gregory. In a statement released to the press, the Ripper replied: “I have taken on board the criticisms made by the police, and I assure them that I will be reviewing my procedures.”