The Deviants

Lord West of Spithead: With the more mild variants [of cannabis], the question that always used to be asked was: how do you know whether someone is taking too many drugs? The answer was: if you had a wheelbarrow-load of money at the top of a hill and an armchair halfway up, the chap who was smoking cannabis would sit in the armchair and think about it whereas other people would go and get the money. [Hansard]

I suggest, as a further litmus test, seeing whether this happens:

Steve Sparkes arranged for a photo shoot to take place in an old car breaker’s yard that he had discovered near Littlehampton on the south coast of England. All of the band [the Deviants], and a number of their friends and other acquaintances made the trip to the coast in the group’s legendary black transit van early one Sunday morning. Before they had made it out of London they were stopped and questioned by the police. Steve Sparkes remembers it like this: “It was 6.30 in the morning, and we all meet up in Ladbroke Grove, and jump into the back of the van, and we had a jukebox... So there’s a van with a jukebox, and the Deviants and Boss, and everybody’s girlfriend... and every drug known to mankind in the back of this van... So we pull out into Ladbroke Grove and the police stop us, and one guy goes up to Tony Wigens to get his licence or whatever, and the other copper goes round the back and opens the back door to the van. He looked in, and looked at everybody in the back of the van, then he closed the back of the van, and said to his mate, ‘Come on, let’s go. I don’t want to do this!’” On this occasion, the bizarre sight of so many freaks in one confined place freaked the poor copper out.

By the time they reached the coast and parked up it was apparent that the increasingly erratic keyboard player Dennis Hughes had taken a heroin overdose, and all attempts to resuscitate him proved futile. Sid now says, “We thought he was dead. He certainly appeared to be, and checks on his pulse, heartbeat and breathing all proved negative. Even the old mirror under the nose trick failed to find any sign of life.” It was at this point that they assumed Hughes to be dead. Not wanting to waste their photo opportunity, however, having crawled out of bed at some ungodly time on a Sunday morning and made the journey down to the south coast, the rest of the entourage went and had their photos taken. They would worry about what to do with the hapless Hughes afterwards. It was even mooted that they carry the body down to a remote beach, where they hoped he would be found and his death would be attributed to the accidental overdose that it was, thus deflecting any unwanted police attention from the rest of the band.

Having completed the photo shoot, the band trudged back to the van only to be greeted with a volley of abuse from the supposedly dead Hughes, who had come round in a somewhat confused state of mind. The entourage then had to re-adjourn in order to shoot the photo session all over again, this time with Hughes. The final result was used on the gatefold cover of Disposable and shows the Deviants and their retinue in all their freaky glory.

From Headpress #27

Rogue animals

The best yet from UKIP’s Lord Pearson, who is forever trying to convince the House that the EU is a “corrupt octopus”:

Lord Pearson of Rannoch: … the UK’s rejection of the treaty might cause a genuine debate in Brussels, from which some genuine reform might emerge [but] I fear that this beast in Brussels is not that sort of animal. An octopus does not easily become a dolphin, but it might, just a little bit. [Hansard]

What with his claim last week that, “This particular frog leapt with such speed that I was caught on the wrong leg and was not able to move the amendment in time”, it seems the noble Lord’s entire political outlook is expressed through the medium of animals. Perhaps the room where he writes his speeches is covered in animal wallpaper.