Conspiracy theories

I’m touched that al-Qaeda was upset enough at my leaving the country for a couple of days to protest by trying to blow up nightclubs and airports. There was really no need, lads. Still, I’m back now, so we can all relax.

I was following developments on my cousin’s net-enabled mobile, which is something I certainly wouldn’t have been able to do 10 years ago from a mountain cabin in the middle of Norway. Sadly, though, I was allowing myself to be brainwashed by the mainstream media, and hadn’t realised that,

in both cases … the drivers had certainly not intended to suicide themselves in a blaze of glory. On the contrary, the behaviour of both suggests they were far too concerned to save their own lives. No suicide bombers they, trained through mind-control and drugs to accept a gory end. These guys, it seems, were trained to botch up and fail in the missions they were ostensibly seen to be attempting! [Source: Zimbio.com]

As with every other terrorist attack in history, according to that blogger and plenty like him, these terrorist attacks were not actually undertaken by terrorists at all. In fact, so determined are David Shayler and his ilk to dismiss the possibility that the people who drove the cars and tried to blow them up really intended to do so for the cause ascribed to them that, if I were a jihadi intent on attacking my mortal enemy, I would be deeply insulted by their insistence that I was a stooge or an agent provocateur or a hologram or whatever. Insulted enough that I might just see if I could take them out along with whichever innocent citizens I was considering targeting next (hint, hint).*

In the meantime, then, on the one hand we have people trying to blow us up; on the other hand we have a panicked state that will be ever more wary of its citizens, with all the implications that has for future civil liberties; and on the prosthetic third hand we have kneejerk auto-gainsay numpties telling us that it’s all a fiction, no-one understands THE TRUTH of geopolitics like they do and in fact it’s all the work of that Gordon Browns. (Has anyone yet drawn a killer inference from the fact that he shares his initials with the US president? Five points for the first sighting, if not.) So, however occasionally violent and unsettling the times we live in, no-one can accuse them of not being tedious.

* This journal is especially popular among the 18-25 semi-skilled would-be martyr demographic.



A man who doesn’t exist not being arrested by fake police officers
for a crime he wouldn’t have committed even if he could have done,
which he couldn’t because he was somewhere else working for the security
services, or not. Did we mention he doesn’t exist?