My loves

Further evidence that everyone was tired towards the end of Tuesday’s marathon session: Baroness Royall, the government chief whip, had to intervene to stop the monomaniacal Eurosceptic Lord Pearson of Rannoch dragging proceedings to a halt, but in trying to begin with the traditional “My Lords” with which almost everything said in the chamber is meant to be prefaced, she said:

Baroness Royall of Blaisdon: My loves—not “my loves”. My Lords…

It would significantly, perhaps permanently, alter the tone in the Lords if she were to say to Lord Pearson from the dispatch box, “Yeah, all right, love, sit down”.

Cubeless Doom

Oh, this is my kind of idiot. This man’s theory has been around for over 10 years, so if you’re already familiar with it I apologise for being late to the party. I’m not entirely sure how I’ve missed it, actually, because it has all the ingredients I enjoy: a questionably stable author with a scarcely comprehensible theory about the world that is THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN HISTORY, a howling mad website written in multicoloured oversized fonts and a galaxy of supposed enemies who are working overtime to ensure that THE TRUTH is never heard.

Here are the basics of the theory of Dr Gene Ray (Cubic). The north and south poles are static; there has to be a point, even if it’s microscopic, that doesn’t rotate with the rest of the earth. Also, one half of the earth between the poles is always shrouded in night while the other basks in daylight. The existence of these fixed points means that the earth can be divided into four distinct quarters, where one is at midnight, the next at sunrise, the next at midday and the fourth at sunset. In one 24-hour period each of those quarters will have passed through all four points, so the earth will have amassed four lots of 24 hours—meaning that, and stay with me here, what we know as a “day” actually consists of 96 hours. Furthermore, since the planet’s hemispheres rotate in different directions, they cancel each other out and thus, according to Wikipedia (admittedly, a phrase rapidly becoming the equivalent of shouting “... NOT!”), the theory might mean that the planet does not technically exist.

That’s it. That’s the theory. It’s not easy to glean from his website, though, which is (a) written in a style that is almost impenetrably idiosyncratic and (b) mostly given over to abuse directed at people who don’t subscribe to, or have not heard of, his Time Cube theory (we are “snotbrains”, apparently). But he is adamant that by believing in a single period called a “day” that the earth moves through as a single body—possibly, indeed, by believing in the very existence of the planet—we are being dangerously delusional. We have been brainwashed, partly by malevolent educators and partly by the Bible, into believing in singularity. This is important because everything in the universe has an opposite and thus everything is dualistic, while the number one is apparently evil. He claims to be an atheist, reiterating the non-existence of God and reserving particularly vituperative abuse for Jesus whom he labels a “queer Jew”, but on the other hand is insistent that unless we embrace his theory we are, literally, consigning ourselves to hell.

He who speaks, preaches, teaches, condones
or practices SINGULARITY - an evil that
equates DEATH by cancellation of universal
OPPOSITES - hemispheres, sexes, seasons,
races, temperatures, marriages and divided
cell (the human Cubic who rotates a 4 corner
stage family rotating metamorphic lifetime) -
should have their evil lying tongue cut out.
Educators are lying bastards.
-1 x -1= +1 is WRONG, it is
academic stupidity and is evil.
Dr Gene Ray (Cubic)

Several times Dr Ray (Cubic) lays claim to being “The Wisest Human”. He wouldn’t expect you merely to take his word for that, of course. For proof, he links to another website, thewisesthuman.com, with which he may have some connection. Just check out those credentials!

Connected to his theory of the Time Cube, in ways that are not entirely clear, is Dr Ray (Cubic)’s other core belief:

Word enslaves human mind more efficiently than shackle. Word is unnatural and must be taught to enslave dummies. Languages have deadly virus that will destroy the educated.
Dr Gene Ray (Cubic and Wisest Human)

Note how he is already striving hard to shrug off the shackles of communication. He can be seen doing the same in this interview, although rather more fun is this short film of science site SuperNova accurately explaining his theory.

In case some aspects of Time Cube theory still evade you, I refer you to this handy diagram from yet another of Dr Ray (Cubic)’s websites, cubicao.tk (Cubic Awareness Online).

Basically, if we all stop speaking and writing and believe really hard that there are four corners of the earth (which itself might not actually exist), each for some reason collecting their own separate amounts of time, which... which then... okay, I’m still not clear on that point, but anyway, if we do that, then humanity will be saved from obliteration. Now surely that’s a message we can all get behind.

Cycling!

Politicians always think the same way. If only we could get through to the kids via a role model, they think. And sometimes, of course, it works; the right athlete on the right promotion, as long as they’re not too horribly stilted in the adverts and/or aren’t later discovered mainlining monkey testosterone, can significantly boost awareness of a product or a campaign and instil in some underprivileged kids the idea that they really can one day get the hell out of their shitty part of town.

Too often, however, the kind of campaign they envisage has the potential to be paralysingly embarrassing. To that end, who would be the most unlikely celebrity to star in the kind of campaign Earl Howe has in mind? I’ll start the ball rolling with 50 Cent, mainly because at this point in the noble Earl’s speech I suddenly imagined Fiddy riding around on a tiny circus-bear trick bike, and it’s a hard image to shift.

Earl Howe: There is an inherent problem with cycling: it is not exactly cool. It will probably not be seen as cool until we have role models who promote it in a way that resonates with those disadvantaged groups in society who most need to get on their bikes. At the moment being on a bike is an image associated with white middle class men, like my honourable friend Mr Boris Johnson. Far be it from me to suggest that Boris is not cool, but if you live on a council estate and have not been brought up to take much exercise—and you have nowhere to store your bike, even if you were to get one—it will take more than his example to encourage you to start pedalling. At the moment it is the relatively affluent and educated sections of society who cycle, and we need to get the message to those at the opposite end of the social spectrum.

Baby cops - everyone loses

In this short film we’re meant to be appalled at the actions of the authorities in trampling over the camera-wielder’s right to film in public. What has actually happened is that he hasn’t encountered any authority at all; rather, he has run into a couple of community support officers—baby cops—who fancy flexing their muscles but know fuck all about the law or their job. Watch the Chinese guy crumble the moment the cameraman gets angry and makes it clear that he knows the law. If you’re wearing the law enforcement gear but you’re reduced to saying tartly, “You know the law, do you? Well, good for you!”, no-one benefits. Some people might be fooled by your outfit into thinking you’re a real policeman, for one thing, which could, at worst, emperil a life.

On the other hand, it’s becoming standard practice, after a couple of years of babycopping, for PCSOs, even if they wouldn’t have stood a fridge in hell’s chance if they had applied through the usual channels, even if they are truly as hapless as the uninformed uniformed gimp in that clip, to become real police officers. And a real policeman who knew nothing about laws regarding public places but realised he had technically assaulted an innocent pedestrian would know how—and be able—to recover some of his self-respect by confiscating the camera while citing something vague about terrorism, and then arbitrarily slapping them with an £85 fine under Section 5 of the Public Order Act.

Evening, all.

Disappointment

Excited though I am by the Bishop of Portsmouth’s description of a local project to use manure from 500 cows to drive buses, I suspect with a sinking heart that he just means “to fuel buses” instead.