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Ow. OW.
Wow. Okay. Here’s what I learnt: should you find yourself inhaling direct from an Olbas Oil* bottle (above, right) because your nose feels completely blocked, do not under any circumstances then inhale direct from it again five minutes later, even if you can feel no improvement in sniffage. The menthol will have taken effect and begun to break up the gunge, so there’s nothing stopping your second intake from directly hitting the back of your sinuses and running down the back of your throat like a trail of napalm. I can’t successfully convey how incredibly painful this is without pinioning every one of you in turn to a dentist’s chair and getting busy with the tools. You feel like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, trapped endlessly in that brief moment when she realises something's terribly wrong, maybe even registering that she’s just snorted Kabul not Colombia. In fact, my recent bitching about torture notwithstanding, it struck me as I clutched my head and waited for the throbbing to subside that here was an incredibly effective method of inflicting pain that would probably leave no trace of its use whatsoever. If in years to come you hear that someone has started using this method to try and extract information, you’ll know they probably once read this journal. You’re welcome in advance.
* If you’ve somehow never come across this wonder product, it contains cajuput oil, eucalyptus oil, menthol, clove oil and a whole load of other oils. The effect is as if a train carrying the nation’s supply of menthol has ploughed into an aromatherapy warehouse, and the resulting explosion decongests you like nobody’s business.
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It lies there land mines of evil waiting to burn the eyes from your head when you roll over in your sleep days later.
Olbas oil is one of those arcane forces that religious types are always warning us not to dabble with.
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If I was in a bad way as a kid, my mum would leave a candle burner going in my room. Health and safety frowns on them these days—now it's electric or nothing, apparently—but it was amazing. That comforting smell, flickering shadows on the walls; if I hadn't been so damn ill I would have really enjoyed it.
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