(no subject)

Tuesday saw the annual switching on of Oxford Street’s Xmas lights, this year by the Sugababes. Said Heidi Sugababe, “The thing I’m most looking forward about is seeing the lights come on.”

(no subject)

Recently declassified documents show that in 1948, in an attempt to bring cheer to a nation still beleaguered by rationing and deprivation, the British government considered introducing a national Bring Your Sex Toy To Work day. However, the idea was scrapped after strenuous objections from home secretary James Chuter Ede over the number of man hours that could be lost. “Even in the film we commissioned to promote the scheme,” he wrote in a scathing memo, “the actor can’t bring himself to put the damned thing down.”

(no subject)

This is reassuring news. Vladimir Putin has been out of power for too long; it’s been over seven months now. Obviously it’s not immediately apparent who might be in mind in rushing through these constitutional amendments allowing presidents to rule for longer terms—as Putin himself has said, “As for who will run for office and when, it’s too early to talk about that now”.

Whenever Putin’s fans defend his pitbull grip on power they always bring up the fact that Russian democracy is “very young”. It has not had the time to “develop” that western democracies have had. This is all code for “It is not a democracy”. Then again, it’s intriguing that he feels the need to be seen to be playing the democratic game at all, given the level of disillusion in Russia about the word and anything associated with it in the wake of the West’s lack of assistance during Russia’s post-communist chaos; he clearly feels, as have many of Russia’s previous rulers, that the only successful way to govern the place is a healthy dose of autocracy, and a hefty percentage of his population agrees with him.

I have mentioned it before, but I can’t stress it enough: Putin has his own Facebook page. I recommend friending him in the hope that, should you find yourself abroad anywhere in the Russian sphere of influence and suddenly being accused of spying, or indeed should international relations deteriorate to the point where one day Russian troops actually invade, begging to know why they are so misunderstood, it will constitute proof that you are a friend of the (by then re-elected) president and deserve amnesty.^[1] A cousin of mine was able to cross the border out of Italy after the second world war broke out by producing a signed photo of Mussolini addressed to her, an example that is worth emulating if you can.

^[1] The Russian for “Don’t shoot” is “Nye vstrelyaetye”. You’re welcome.


EDIT: Since last I checked, Putin’s Facebook page seems to have disappeared, although not from Google’s cache. Is Facebook a privilege only of the president? Either way, this significantly reduces the chances of you passing yourself off as one of his friends. Try instead photoshopping a picture of you and him sharing a joke.

Michael Stone 2

Michael Stone has been found guilty of trying to bomb Stormont.

Stone had attempted to enter Stormont on the day Ian Paisley and Martin McGuinness were due to be nominated as Northern Ireland’s new first and deputy first ministers.

The trial heard he pointed an imitation gun at a female security guard, ignited an improvised explosive device in a flight bag and threw it some yards from him. The bag contained explosive fireworks, flammable liquids, a butane gas canister and fuses. It failed to explode.

He was found to have seven nail bombs which the court heard were capable of causing death or serious injury to anyone in their proximity. Stone also had three knives, a hatchet and a garrotte.

Let us pause and pay tribute to a man who, quite apart from providing us with fantastic slapstick and a salient lesson to future would-be maniacs (viz: don’t try anything till you’re through the revolving door), is also responsible for one of the most remarkably shit legal defences of all time:

An art expert has said that having real nail bombs could “come under the ambit” of performance art, as long as there was no intention of setting them off.

Peter Bond, a senior art lecturer at St Martin’s College, London, was speaking at the trial of Michael Stone, 53. In his evidence Mr Bond, a professional performance artist, stressed that in performance art the most important thing was that people were not harmed.

Giving evidence on his own behalf, Stone had claimed the whole incident was performance art, designed to send a “proverbial rocket up the backsides” of the politicians. He claimed that all the items he had brought with him on that day had their own symbolism in what he described as “an installation”. [BBC]

The judge described this today as “wholly unconvincing”.