webofevil: (Default)
webofevil ([personal profile] webofevil) wrote2006-09-18 12:13 pm

(no subject)

In less than two weeks’ time it’s the wedding of the season in this corner of the internet. Livejournalists [livejournal.com profile] pipistrellus and [livejournal.com profile] cornfedpig will be emailing pictures of rings to each other and filling in the following online poll: “I take [name] for my lawful wedded spouse: Yes / No / Other (answer in Comments)”. We will all be emailed pictures of canapes, to which we have to reply with pictures of confetti. You are invited to submit your own fan fiction about their honeymoon.

My name came up in the “Random Best Man Generator”, so it is my duty and privilege to ensure that the groom switches his laptop on in time and oh for fvck’s sake where’s that jpeg of the ring? No, not that one, she’ll never accept one at that resolution! And so on.

Many people have asked me what I will take as the theme of my speech. Well, I can think of no better illustration or more touching reminder of the power of married love than the following story:
The Sun, 12 September

A wife aged 65 chopped off her dead husband’s willy in hospital—so she could keep it in a pickling jar as a souvenir.

Uta Schneider used a butcher’s knife to hack off the “treasured” manhood. She wrapped it in foil and put it in a lunchbox—next to gherkins.

But she was spotted by a nurse and arrested in Stuttgart, Germany. She is accused of mutilation.

Uta was wed to Heinrich, 68, for 35 years. She told police: “It was his best asset and gave me so much pleasure.

“I wanted to pickle it for eternity—he would have wanted it. We called it his joystick. I wanted it to remember him by.”

[identity profile] webofevil.livejournal.com 2006-09-18 11:13 am (UTC)(link)
Clarification for the bemused: the only true things in this post are that [livejournal.com profile] pipistrellus and [livejournal.com profile] cornfedpig are getting married and that I am (utterly delighted to be) the best man. And, of course, that it’s the wedding of the season.

Oh, and the whole "severed manhood" thing.

[identity profile] pipistrellus.livejournal.com 2006-09-18 11:17 am (UTC)(link)
The Sun used the word "willy", which is just so wrong. No one apart from kids would say "willy", would they?

So, how's the speech coming along?

[identity profile] webofevil.livejournal.com 2006-09-18 11:20 am (UTC)(link)
I'm clearly going to have to go through it and expunge the word "willy", for a start.

[identity profile] pipistrellus.livejournal.com 2006-09-18 11:25 am (UTC)(link)
That sounds filthy... but then, I suspect you're aware of the fact.
(deleted comment)

[identity profile] webofevil.livejournal.com 2006-09-18 11:55 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you. There is only one bridesmaid (http://sleeperesque.livejournal.com/profile), who might object a tad to being overtly "scoped out". We will, however, be charging £5 for guests to come and "scope out" [livejournal.com profile] strictlytrue as he performs on the wheels of steel in the evening.