webofevil: (all hail)


• The most regal and extravagant papers you can buy
• Feel like a rich and smoky King Midas
• Includes 12 sheets of decadent 24 carat gold papers
• They see me rolling, they hate it

Roll up, roll up! If you enjoy a smoke, deal exclusively in golden bullions and have an imposing bejewelled grill instead of actual teeth, then do we we have the plush puffing paraphernalia for you–Shine 24k Gold Rolling Papers.

One box contains twelve extravagant sheets of slow-burning and perfectly edible 24 carat gold leaf paper. It's dead easy to stick and it burns slowly and evenly. Expensive you say? Perhaps these aren't for you. Only the very purest 24k gold can be used in order for the papers to be edible with no other impurities–they're going in between your cherished chops after all.

You. Could. Be. Smoking. Gold. There is no more extravagant act. So if you've got cash to burn and love rolling in money (sort of) then get yourself these princely papers today. [Firebox]

Firebox's copyrighter is particularly proud of having spotted the potential for wordplay involving the word "rolling", deploying it on three occasions on one page.

Importantly, this product "comes with a certificate to authenticate its golden credentials".
webofevil: (Default)
When they were planning London's most alarming theme park, it was decided at an early stage that “Terrifying Gaping Void at the Heart of Late-Stage Capitalism World” was too unwieldy a title and they went instead with the more innocuous “M&Ms World”, but that was their only compromise.


Photo © Xani Penades

The park is a stark parable. It allows a glimpse into a fevered, deranged future where consumption has become so meaningless that vast emporia have been set up to sate desires that do not even exist, filled with swarms of goods produced to fulfil no function and satisfy no demand. It savagely parodies the experience of retail shopping, with its wildly grinning staff bounding up to you as you enter and crying, “Hi! What do you need?” This impressively provocative bit of theatre, with its outrageous use of the word “need”, sets the tone for a thrilling ride around four storeys of products whose worthless existence mocks all religious and secular moral values.


Photo © Jai'me Jan

One aspect of the satire that is so heavy it's almost overplayed is the colours. A chocolate that famously comes in only one flavour, with a single alternative of having it coated around a peanut, is available here in nearly a hundred hues.You can serve yourself these colours in any combination you like, instilling a sense of childlike wonder and delight (pictured).



You can even visit a machine that pretends to assess you and calculate which colour uniform-flavour M&M is best suited to you. You stand in front of a screen for a few seconds, it says (for example) “yellow”, and then you fuck off. It's slightly less fun than I'm making it sound.


Photo © Jai'me Jan

There are five main M&M characters depicted around the store: red, orange, yellow, green and blue. The green M&M is a lady. The male M&Ms are allowed a range of character traits such as smart, dumb, sassy, gormless—a full gamut of cartoon emotions—but the lone female M&M simply makes a range of slutty facial expressions, goes clothes shopping and rides in the smart M&M's car. It's funny because it's true, right girls?

      
Middle photo © Jai'me Jan

For floor after floor this ride continues, immersing you in an ocean of products so defiantly useless that the place makes the Disney Store look like a builder's merchants. It's not unknown for this to evoke an overpowering feeling of emptiness, which is why caution is strongly advised if you bring your children to visit the park. Indeed, in such a weakened state, full-blown existential horror can then be induced by outbreaks of enforced jollity such as the staff occasionally "spontaneously" dancing with each other, sporting their rictus grins.



In the film The Omen III: The Final Conflict—bear with me—Damien Thorn, the (spoiler!) Antichrist, owns a thinly disguised analogue of Monsanto that has developed a genetically modified crop which is ostensibly designed to end world hunger but in fact has no nutritional value whatsoever, meaning that no matter how much of it they eat, the world's population will starve. M&Ms World is a vivid illustration of the same principle, and serves as a salutary warning about where we could end up as a society if we're not careful. The only possible consolation is that it obviously isn't real. It can't be.


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"If you spread F Duerr & Son's Fine Cut Seville Orange Marmalade with Whisky, Champagne and Gold on your toast for breakfast, you'll be £76 poorer after you've finished the slice. Made with the finest Seville oranges, this condiment is infused with vintage Dalmore 62 single malt whisky from Whyte & Mackay, valued at £32,000 per bottle, Pol Roger Cuvee Sir Winston Churchill 1996 vintage champagne and edible flakes of 24-carat gold."

Sadly there is no mention of any locations that might serve this condiment to the strains of the theme from James Bond, or even TJ Hooker.
webofevil: (all hail)


Dom Perignon Vintage 1995 White Gold Jeroboam was officially launched in May 2008 and is currently the most expensive champagne jeroboam. In 2008 it sold for $40,000.

Exquisitely balanced with notes of brioche and honey, which mingle with fresh almond and apricot, the champagne has a deep, intricate flavor that yearns for a fitting display. The bottle’s design is sought after but never ostentatious, and has been compared by some to “a haute couture gown endlessly gliding down the red carpet.”

The famed Hotel Byblos in St. Tropez... holds only 10 bottles of this exclusive luxury, and club-goers experience a fine ritual that comes along with purchasing such opulence: the club’s lights dim, the first notes of the James Bond theme start to play, and, suddenly, champagne emerges, accompanied by fire and sparklers.
EDIT: The terribly designed Dom Perignon website does not appear to have this copy any more. I just trust you to believe that I wouldn't have made up this soul-shredding copy all on my own.
webofevil: (Default)


Diamond Dreams
Shampoo infused with Diamonds, Champagne, Cashmere and Pearls

An ultra luxe shampoo containing our Luxury Complex designed to indulge your hair and provide brilliant shine, hydration and while protecting against free radicals which cause damage and colour fading.

Some of the world´s most prestigious ingredients combine to create our Luxury Complex. Champagne Extract, Diamond Dust, Cashmere and Crushed Pearls create a multi-dimensional shimmer adding depth and richness to your color while protecting and conditioning your hair.
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Baroness Thomas, winding up for the Liberal Democrats in the debate on “The role of women in the global economic crisis”, has some suggestions for how to survive the oncoming recession.
Baroness Thomas of Walliswood: On a more cheerful note—I do not want to be too Pollyanna-ish but it is important not to be too dismal either—perhaps we can all learn again the many pleasures that can be enjoyed for free, such as a walk in the park with a dog, a ball to play with, or friends to talk to while the children play. What about a bus ride to somewhere a little further away from home to fly a home-made kite? What about a bike ride, a free concert in a park, a picnic on the green or in the garden, or a visit to a famous museum? What about taking pre-school children to children’s centres for the under-fives? I am told, on personal recommendation, that they are absolutely excellent in both London and Surrey, and no doubt that is true in other places as well.

December 2015

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